when no one knows you are dead, then you are not dead.

It was the night before yesterday, i was waiting for someone, someone i strongly felt special for and it's been only few days since i met her. The meeting was for really a short time, may be 5minutes just to show her something she came to see. After waiting almost half a day at home, finally I, not knowing why, came down onto the road side with thoughts of her on mind. Yes i was in love and i still am. The same old feeling had once again came to me as  i awaited in the drizzle leaning toward a tree. She was all i could think of. After quite a time i decided to go back which is something i should have done long before that. As a matter of fact, i shouldn't have come down in the first place. Love was doing that magic thing to me. It's crazy.  However never thought something like that would happen. How many times will one encounter such thing. On my way back on to the stairs, i heard this strange noice of a car knocking something with sudden brake. I ran out in quite a speed and there already people were dashing towards a taxi. The scene was quite hard to be. It was fatal. A tibetan guy, i assume with the mala around his wrist, was severely hit and i have never seen more blood. He was shaking and blood just wouldn't stop pumping out from his face, literally it's soaked. There were people who was trying to do something and actually none did for quite a time. A girl was crying, a man was saying there was no need for police or ambulance that that guy would die anyway before he gets to hospital. I was too scared of the scene to do what i thought be the right thing to do. Somehow i decided to do many wasn't trying to do. I got down and touched him with caring hand, coz there were guys pulling the man so hard that i could feel the pain when his head hung loose.  They were killing him though they meant for good. I hold his head very carefully and gently although even this is not the way how you act on something like this. but then it's lhasa. I was so close to his face and i saw it's not just blood. We put him on a small truck. He was finally carried to the hospital nearby. And as usual, by the time the ambulance comes by, the victim is either dead or sent to hospital already by some good hearted man. Through whole time i was saying mani like many other tibetan people, subconciously. There was blood all over my body and i saw the way people looked at me and all i knew was that there must be some superstitious sayings on blood stain and stuff. And i was partially unconfortable with other peoples blood on my hands. It's just such an odd feeling. I know my mother wouldn't have approved me of that if she was with me. Howerer, not long after all this, thoughts of her came back to me. It was a terrible feeling after what just happened. But i couldn't stop flashing her in my mind. It's for the second time that i felt this strong for someone. One thing that made me feel less of a guilt was the thought that one would have  no control over it when in love. May be it's the right guilt that i should feel and live for a while.

 later that night, I told her how i feld and she said "No" in a very good and concerning way that i actually slept better than days before which was soooo not i expected. The answer was clear and cut. But then one can't not love one you love, right! love is love! you feel it and live it with joy and pain. you think you never gonna get over it and then you will before you know it. I am soo looking forward to it yet too soon to see the progress.

Most importantly, I really hope and pray that the guy will live to see his family again. Om mane padme hong!

在很久很久以前，弱势群体有个靠山—神! 更重要的是，强势群体，那些富人，那些雇主也相信有这样的神。心里的魔鬼冲动总是被天上的神性压制着。在这种神龟平衡中活着比较真实的人，逐利益但是有度；有权利但知道畏惧，穷苦但是有依托；无力但是得到安慰。-----摘自连岳（神了）一书